Jeremy Creager ,
Personal Growth ,
Sexuality Awareness ,
Here is my writing for today as my heart pounds in fear to share this with you all…
Been really feeling this intense energetic pain in my chest for the last 2 weeks and so looking forward to moving through and past this energy, so really hoping that sharing this shadow out in the light will help release it.
My apologies for how long this one is, normally I try to shorten them but this is all that just needed to be said.
Here you go, enjoy!
~ My Sexual Shadow Desires and Dissatisfaction ~
I feel this shadow is really hard for me to drop into and write about right now…
This one brings up shame and wants to stay in secrecy.
And yet I also in the past have written about this before a few times.
So let me drop down into this shadow of sexual desires and dissatisfaction as i call forth to feel it fully.
In this stage of my life at age 34 as a single man that has been consciously working on my relationship with this specific shadow for quite a while now.
I feel at times intensely both the desire to explore deeper into these shadows and on the other side I feel the pure innocent desire to transcend these sexual shadows and return back to love and innocence with my relationship to women and the feminine both within and without.
Hence this writing process of open honest vulnerability speaking my truth around these shadows…
One of the first things that is coming up for me is my physical sexual desires for some of my female friends (that I feel are not my beloved twin soul), but yet a desire at times for them because they are sexy and beautiful physically to me as well as the friendship and already quality connection we have.
On many levels at least in the past, given the right time and space I am/have been open to connect with almost any woman sexually just for the pure physical pleasure of it.
But I also want heart connection with love as I know that kind of sexual experiences for me are the best with someone of loving connection on a heart and soul level is the best for me.
Ultimately I know deep down I truly want true love sacred union with my divine partner soulmate twin flame loving intimacy and only this kind of sexual connection with my beloved.
I feel that my sexual shadow desires has in the past sometimes wanted to play with lower vibrational frequency women without heart and soul connection for fear of getting hurt emotionally, so in some ways it has felt safe to connect sexually with women I know I would not “fall for” in a romantic relationship way…
As I write this I am feeling I want to drop down deeper into this, into these feelings and into these shadows.
Into the forbidden, into the taboo, into the socially conditioned shamefulness of sexual desires.
Into the seduction and manipulation of women to “get” sex…
Into paying for a woman’s body for sexual connection and release.
Into the shadow desire of sexually using a woman and her body…
Into just the idea of and my desire of watching porn, even the kind of forced sex, rape for the wanting to punish her to punish the feminine, or even the idea of using her body sexually when she is sleeping and passed out…
Why, what is the attraction for all this and for gang banging and degrading, miss using and abusing a woman sexually?
Why does part of me want & desire the pure innocence and loving sexual connection with a woman and another part of me, the shadow part of me wants no heart, soul and emotional connection but rather desires only physical limited pleasure and gratification in a way that perceives Women without souls, but instead just their bodies used as possessions for a man’s pleasure.
Is this not sickening?
What is this evil inside of me, inside of a mans psyche?
I so deeply in my darkest shadow desire sex from women, to cover up, to hide from, and suppress down, ironically my anger pain and sadness with and around my relationship to women and the feminine.
For all the times I was hurt and felt betrayed, left, cheated on and abandoned by women in my life, for all the times I was not wanted, not desired back, was used for my good heart but teased by there sexual wilds with no intentions of really connecting with me on a sexual level…
Look but no touch…
Tease but no play…
So many women will “give it up” for money but not for love or intimacy… I mean really, how easy is it for a man to wave fucking cash in some women’s faces to get them to have sex, but tell them your open to a loving sexual connection for the fun and pleasure of it, and its like I am the evil one, the creep, the weird guy or the poor lustful man that they can use and manipulate to get what they want.
All that plus more built up inside of me, the pain sadness and anger in my heart.
I in my wounded space just want sex to take it out on women with lower level sexual interactions, because I feel lost, helpless, confused, hopeless, lonely, desperate, not worthy, unloved, shameful, and betrayed by the women in my life and the women of this world.
All of this brings up Dissatisfaction within and for me…
As awesome, wonderful, beautiful learning growth lessons I have had with women in my life and the relationships I have had in the past, that still there is this level of dissatisfaction that makes me mad for the pain and sadness I feel in my heart and soul…
Even when I have acted out of my sexual shadow desires with women over and over again and again even with some of the physical gratification yet still and always there is that underlining dissatisfaction I feel.
To me sex almost always feels good on a physical level but without love present there is always a feeling of dissatisfying feeling afterwards and sometime during and before the act.
This also includes self pleasuring as well for me…
As much as I have grown to be discussed with porn, yet I still have not been fully able to let it go and this brings dissatisfaction to me as well.
It’s like this endless downward spiral cycle of dissatisfaction in my chest heart space that I want to suppress pushed down and numb by having more dissatisfying sex without love and true intimacy that in turn just adds to and builds more of the same uncomfortable feeling in my heart and chest.
Dissatisfaction that I have not yet healed these sexual shadows within me.
Dissatisfaction for the collective programing and conditioning within our society of these sexual shadow desires that we are born into and including all the sexual abuse passed down within our cellular memory DNA…
The anger and sadness about all this in my heart is dissatisfying to me.
What these Sexual Shadow Desires and Dissatisfactions are trying to save me from is fully feeling all the pain within around my feeling of disconnect with the feminine…
It’s trying to save me from being more hurt by women and my relationship with them…
It’s trying to save me from surrendering in what has seemed to be (and in my judgment generally speaking) a unsafe world of women that are mostly conditioned to be not loyal and unfaithful, not honest even to themselves and insecure selfish little girls that don’t know what they want trapped in a woman’s body repressed of their own personal power trying to manipulate their way out within their own anger and rage towards men that they don’t trust…
It’s trying to save me from “falling in love” with the wrong woman again…
It’s trying to save me from healing and growing to a level where I would give up and not at all want to play in any of my sexual shadow realms again, for fear of loss or the illusion of loss, as in loss of sexual opportunities that I would no longer be interested in from a state of true love and innocence.
What my Sexual Shadow Desires and Dissatisfactions want the world to know that I am not perfect, that I feel deep pain of separation to the feminine and for the true longing for divine feminine union with sacred masculine both within and without.
It wants the world to know that I want forgiveness, that I want to be forgiven and that I want to forgive my past relationships, and the women and the feminine in my life I feel hurt from.
It wants the world to know that I am sorry for all my wrong doing with my sexual shadows.
It wants the world to know that I am scared of true love as much as I long for it, that I won’t recognize it if it was standing in front of me.
My sexual shadow desires and dissatisfactions needs safety, needs to be honored and loved, needs forgiveness, needs to be nurtured, held, excepted and supported in healing of growth back home to love and innocence.
In my body this sexual shadow desires and dissatisfactions feels like intense energetic emotional pain, sharp deep and heavy in my chest like an endless black whole, a void missing the one and only true thing that matters in life, true love and connection to pure innocence with my beloved and the divine feminine in union with sacred masculine, both and first within me and without.
It feels exhausted and tired in my arms and legs…
If feels like a burning in my upper chest and throat…
It feels like shame behind my eyes.
The color of this sexual shadow desires and dissatisfactions for me is blood Red and Black.
Thank you for letting me share this journey of my sexual shadow desires and dissatisfactions with you.
Jeremy Dylan Creager
PS. As always I welcome your comments, questions and feedback below, and feel free to share as well. Thank you!