(Disclaimer: This is past writings from my personal journaling that I am sharing with you here on my blog, so I may or may not be in the same place/space as I was back then when I wrote it and most likely have done lots of deep healing and growth from then till present day.
I share to offer inspiration for your own journeys as well as to witness the healing, growth and progress within myself, also to be seen, heard, felt and loved in my openness and vulnerability, as well as practicing improvements in my writing abilities… Thank you for your love and support.)
(Image below was found on this site!)
My Journaling Notes from Friday 12-27-2013
My dear beloved oh how it has been a journey…
Each and every day I long for you…
Some days are better then others…
Life brings me ups and downs…
Emotions of all sorts comes and goes like waves…
I may not have always known it, but I have been searching for you all my life.
I know the truth that you are already with me and we are one, yet I drive myself crazy sometimes looking within every pretty women to see if your there.
I scan each room I enter looking for you. I wait to meet you in the women (in every woman I have ever met) that can really meet me deep enough to melt our souls into one again.
In my longing for Divine Union I have lusted over many beautiful women, I have paid for Tantric “spiritual massages with happy endings” bodywork, I have jacked-off to porn off and on for years, I have paid for sex multiple times.
I have seduced women with my charm into having sex with me thinking I’m doing it with a kind (really just wounded) heart, I have tricked past lovers into creating circle relationships all in the name of love, I have attracted friends with benefits, I have attended many sexuality workshops looking for a, the connections that would lead me to you.
I feel lost, desperate and weak at times.
I struggle with self-discipline and feel out of control sometimes with my sexual energy and desires. My shadow side wants to just settle with “getting laid”.
For Example: Hitting on the cute young women at the coffee stand that I go to in the morning dose not feel right as I know they are not my twin flame, just by looking into there eyes, as pretty as they are. My drive to sleep with them is not pure or with pure love.
Paying for sex seems the easiest for my ego, but feels in the least alignment for Divine Union attraction work.
Finding a “friend with benefits” also does not feel so sacred either. Even with a soul/friend/mate that knows we are not twin flames and wants only a non-sexual friendship.
I want to remain open in love and not closed off to having sex and making love, I want it to be sacred and Divine.
I have been a very sexual and open person most of my life.
Yet I also have a dark shadow side I am working on bringing more light to.
This is why I am sharing this, because as I work on opening up my heart more and more, I get waves of sexual desires that hit every few days or for many days on end even.
Dear Divine Lover,
please support me…
please send me your love and strength so I may be strong…
my heart cry’s in pain and I feel even sadder knowing you can also feel the pain in my heart as well.
I am here ready for you and your unconditional love you have for all of me.
The front of my heart space feels so heavy with deep pain and sadness.
I want to be strong for you.
My love I long to hold you and to be in your arms…
I long for your softness, your joy, your beauty and compassion…
you are my Angel, my Divine light, and I thank you for blessing me with your healing halos that cleanse my space…
I long for our sacred connection into the deep pure love that we are…
I pray that you are all right, that you are OK, that all is well with you. I pray that we will know each other without a doubt when we look into each other’s eyes, when we feel our energy fields collide in physical space.
I pray that your heart does not hurt like mine dose…
I pray you are full of joy and loving life to the fullest…
I pray that you lose yourself in music and dance…
I pray you enjoy the beauty of mother earth as often as you can.
I want you to know I have amazing people in my life helping me in opening into more love so that we will reunite soon in this lifetime.
People like Azra Bertrand and Seren Swannesha Bertrand, like JahSun White Eagle Martini and his family, and so many others/mentors/supporters/other participants of the Womb Awakening journey’s, as well as many other family and friends that hold us in the highest light of love.
I feel so blessed. I feel so loved.
I know my work in healing may not ever end like piling many layers of an onion in order to get to the heart of pure love, but I wonder how much of the pain I do feel in my heart is just longing for you, for Divine Union and Sacred Feminine Partnership with my Twin Soul.
I know I also feel more anger and rage in my heart space and sadness I need to still work on, but still, I can feel a whole new level of my heart being cracked open when in your presence, and I will work on as much as I can for however long it takes, no matter what.
How much of this heart pain is just my longing for you Divine Twin Soul, how much is from my hunger to be in Sacred Union again?
Thank you all for reading, for your love and support!
Jeremy Dylan Creager
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